Genuinely I did not start writing that first sentence with the intention of turning it into a bad poem. It just sort of happened. That’s how inspired I am by these funny tweets. They’re lifting me to a new plane of existence.
And now, you can be lifted too.
10. The brand deal
Make it look like you’re richer than you are with this one neat trick.
your girlfriend on IG thanking brands for the shit she bought from them again
— LB (@lnbshr) April 2, 2021
9. Fed up
I mean, I knew that, but you don’t have to rub it in.
the fedex guy just waved to me from his truck and yelled “nothing for u today!!” and it felt particularly bleak
— SadeVEVO (@fillegrossiere) March 30, 2021
8. Thai me down
Let me just buy a week’s worth of ingredients for a dish I will never ever attempt to make again.
Why would I spend $22 on takeout when I could spend $62 to make the worst pad Thai I’ve ever had in my life
— hannah (@TribalSpaceCat) March 31, 2021
7. Working it out
Whatever gets that heart beating fast.
don't let the media lie to you panic attacks count as cardio
— i can be your long lost pal (@PallaviGunalan) March 31, 2021
6. Long story short
Just say “long story” so people know what they’re in for and can prep accordingly.
i’ll be like “long story short” then still tell an entire fully detailed story
— niggasbebrokeokayy (@khilanii) March 27, 2021
5. It gets better?
You’re never gonna feel like you get it.
If I could go back and tell my 10-year-old self anything I would say, “Look you should probably just try and get used to this.”
— Taylor Tomlinson (@taylortomlinson) April 1, 2021
4. On the sly
Nancy with the hot goss.
boomers think they’re texting on the sly, then you glance at their phone and it’s like “barb’s a bitch” in 25pt font
— alyssa bereznak (@alyssabereznak) March 28, 2021
3. Bill’s coming due
Don’t worry, they didn’t mean any of it either.
just realized I’m gonna have to make good on a lot of “after we’re vaccinated” talk in the very near future oh well time to leave the country I guess
— caitie delaney (@caitiedelaney) March 31, 2021
2. Beneath the mask
This is how I feel about literally all reality shows.
I cannot believe the masked singer is real. It seems like a fake tv show they watch in a tv show. Every time I see a clip I feel scared
— Allison O'Conor (@allisonoconor) March 31, 2021
1. The road to nowhere
As someone who frequently road trips across the midwest, can confirm.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
This tweet list is over,
I bid you adieu!
Who are your favorite people to follow on Twitter?
Tell us in the comments.