Have you seen the new Tweets? Like, all of the new tweets? That keep pouring out of some unseen internet faucet every second over every minute of every hour of every day, threatening to drown us all in a deluge of Twitterdom from which there is no chance of escape?
Have you seen those?
If so, you can skip these as they’ll be old news to you. But if you haven’t yet seen every single tweet in existence, maybe give this handful a chance because they’re really pretty good.
12. Zoom out
Who took the time to create this bizarre collection?
Worst zoom ever pic.twitter.com/yheBC5M8ku
— Dr Grayfang (@DrGrayfang) April 14, 2020
11. Get that green
Yeah I mean honestly we all know it’s true.
I am an ADULT. I have a JOB. I pay my BILLS. I cover all my vegetables in CHEESE because otherwise they're GROSS
— andie ☻ (@AndieIsOnline) December 15, 2020
10. Snap into it
You’re not yourself when you’re hungry.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
— jo (@whatsJo) October 25, 2019
9. Bean things
As a nice bonus, it would be cool if I could get so addicted that my body stopped working if I were to go without.
I wish beans could be boiled and give you panic attacks
— Just Some Guy | Black Lives Matter (@Home_Halfway) November 13, 2020
8. Mild mannered
Gotta keep up appearances out there.
*Me passing a note to the waitress*
Hi, I’m going to order Diablo Fire wings but could you please just bring me mild? Also when you bring the mild wings could you please say “whoa, who ordered the Diablo wings?”
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 18, 2020
7. Long, long ago
Take me back.
ugh i was born in the wrong generation</3 pic.twitter.com/uvELMATn9y
— boopy bruce (@sh_wnee) January 9, 2021
6. The reunion
It hits just a little bit different.
rediscovering songs you used to love is by far one of the best feelings… pic.twitter.com/0TplZ4KM20
— (Follow me ifb) Mickey ??? (@mmiicckkeeyyy1) January 6, 2021
5. Reach for the sky
Really the safe landings seem like the outliers here.
I don’t believe in skydiving “accidents.” If you jump out of a plane and you die… that’s on you
— Myka Fox Ⓜ️ (@MykaFox) January 9, 2021
4. It’s a date
And just like that, I’m ancient.
Getting older means you’re absolutely horrified when you find out the birth year of anyone younger than you
— Andrew Schiavone (@aschiavone) January 1, 2021
3. Special delivery
Well it took quite a lot longer than thirty minutes so I’d like my money back.
babies born in the hospital are delivered, babies born at home are DiGiorno
— Rads (@FeelingEuphoric) January 9, 2021
2. The shred
And then the bag is gone and you just sort of reflect for a moment on what you’ve become.
Sex is cool but have you ever stood in your kitchen shovelling shredded mozzarella into your mouth straight from the bag like a goblin who’s just escaped after being held captive underground for 47 years and broken into a store that specifically only sells bags of shredded cheese
— Patrick Pebley (@ppp24) May 1, 2019
1. Skin deep
The important thing is to have a system that works for you.
Everyone’s been asking about my morning skincare routine, so here it is:
-Splash warm water on the face
-Pat dry with a clean towel
-Scream “fuck” into a pillow for 25 minutes
-Apply a moisturizer with SPF 50+
— okay, amanda (@the_mandifesto) June 5, 2019
Ok, a few tweets down, infinite to go.
Who are your favorite people to follow on Twitter?
Tell us in the comments.