As someone who is approaching the age of 35 a bit more rapidly than I’m comfortable with, this list really hits home with me.
It’s not that I’m nervous about ageing, per say, it’s just that I, like so many other Millennials, feel that the life path that was expected of me just never really came to fruition, and am thus unsure what can be considered success as I move into this next chapter.
Lucky for me, the internet is full of helpful folks to tell me via tweet exactly what I need to get done in the next few years. Let’s get started.
14. The chair
Oh, y’all got bedroom chair money? I see how it is.
By age 35 you should have a chair in your bedroom used only for holding clothes that aren’t dirty enough for the laundry but that you’re too lazy to put away
— Shenanigans (@Shenanigans_luv) May 21, 2018
13. The recursive drives
Or, if you’re like me, you spent an entire weekend reorganizing and cataloging it all because you’re a party animal.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
— walmart in shambles (@akerfoot) May 20, 2018
12. Holding on
No one knows what they’re doing.
By age 35 you should be surprised that other people think you have your shit together when really you're just holding onto the roller coaster for dear life with an excellent poker face.
— Nick Palmisciano (@Ranger_Up) May 21, 2018
11. So close!
But the movies you REALLY wanna watch will still be $20.
By the time you’re 35 you should be making monthly payments to 17 different streaming services that together almost offer a film library comparable to a brick-and-mortar video store
— Eric Allen Hatch (@ericallenhatch) May 22, 2018
10. Save ’em away
I’m totally gonna learn how to discern these real soon.
By age 35, you should have saved twice as many PDFs of scientific papers as you could possibly read in your remaining lifetime.
— Chemjobber (@Chemjobber) May 20, 2018
9. A toast to you
That’s been our big plan all along.
By age 35, millennials should have 40,000 avocado toasts set aside for retirement.
— Paul Fairie (@paulisci) May 15, 2018
8. The hang
It’s never gonna happen. Just let it go.
By age 35 you should run into friends and say "WE SHOULD HANG OUT SOON!" twice a week. You will never hang out. You'll just scream this at each other until one of you dies.
— Luke warm beans (@trukelayser) May 20, 2018
7. I’ve been framed
It’s exactly what he would want from you.
By age 35, you should have at least 10 framed pictures of Jeff Goldblum in your home.
— Sam Sykes (@SamSykesSwears) May 20, 2018
6. Prepare to die
It’s gonna happen.
By age 35 you should have tracked down the man with 6 fingers on his right hand who killed your father, and let him know that he should be prepared to die.
— geminerin (@Mom_Overboard) August 13, 2018
5. The Trader
It’s the circle of life.
By age 35 you should have a Trader Joe’s bag filled with other Trader Joe’s bags.
— kai choyce (@kaichoyce) June 19, 2020
4. Few times I been around that track
And it IS just gonna happen like that.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
— Jon “Jon Baker” Baker (@JonBaker) May 20, 2018
3. The bean
It’s just how it goes.
by age 35 you should have spent at LEAST two mortgages on coffee
— Stop The Sweeps ATX (@stop_sweeps_atx) September 24, 2018
2. The perfect fit
These were not designed to be handled by mortals.
By age 35, you should give up on the dream that you're ever going to learn to fold fitted sheets properly.
— Elizabeth Picciuto 🌱 (@epicciuto) May 21, 2018
1. Fork you
Could just get rid of it. But then the fork wins…
By age 35 you should have at least one fork in your cutlery drawer that you just don’t like, and actively frown at if you accidentally grab it.
— TV’s Christopher Downs (@chrisopotamia) May 20, 2018
Hope that helps you all get on the road to success!
What do you think should be done by age 35?
Tell us in the comments.