What’s the worst date you’ve ever had? You’re imagining it right now. It’s destroying your brain. You’re angry I reminded you of this.
To be fair, I didn’t start it. This person on Reddit did.
And the stories that resulted…oh boy…
1. You sound like my grandma
In college, I hit it off with a girl and agreed to go on a first date to a school hockey game. When I met her there, I realized I had forgotten my wallet, so I had to borrow $5 from her to pay for my ticket. Not a great start, and I could tell I had dug myself an early hole. Then, once we sat down, we realized that neither of us liked hockey at all. I have no idea why we agreed to meet there, but we were both totally uninterested in the game. So we started talking about other things we were into, and I mentioned that I liked board games. She said, “You sound like my grandma.”
At that point it was clear that neither of us were into this at all, but it was the first period of a hockey game that she had paid 10 whole dollars for, and neither of us felt right leaving. We sat there and stonily watched the rest of the game. Afterwards, we said, “Let’s hang out sometime,” and then never messaged each other again.
Then, a few semesters later, my friend called me up all excited about a new girl he was dating. He wanted me to come to a get-together at his apartment and meet her. I walk in, and of course he’s sitting on the couch with his arm around the very same hockey-hating girl. I immediately grabbed my wallet, handed her $5, and said, “Thank God! I’ve been looking for you for two years!” She laughed, and things went all right after that.
2. Have a nice life
First date after my divorce. She was nothing like her profile picture and just a horrible person. But that not the fun bit. She stalked me to my work van after the date and took down my phone number. On the way home she asked if I would come back and see her, said thanks but no thanks and have a nice life. In the proceeding days I received numerous texts and phone calls from her and had to have her number blocked by my phone provider.
On new years day at 4am I receive a call …… from her ex husband asking what was wrong with her?
That she is a good person etc. etc. Turns out they went out on NYE and got s**t faced together and decided to all me. I hung up only for then to keep calling me back. Ended up turning my phone off. Woke around 7. Turned my phone on and I had received 20+ voice recordings that were getting more and more threatening, on the last one I could hear them in a car saying they were coming over to get me.
Spoke to my neighbour who gets up early and had gone for a run and he told me there were a couple being arrested around the corner from our place drunk as h**l who had hit a light pole. Scary thing is I had my 2 daughters with me that night.
3. The “park”
Met a guy in OKC when I was in between HS and college. We got chatting and agreed to meet for a date. Since we were both young and broke he suggested a park in his area. Said he’d bring drinks if I bring food. Sure! Packed some snacks and a blanket thinking picnic.
Got to the address he gave me and it was his apartment complex. The “park” -more like a grassy area for dogs- was apart of the complex. I had pretty low self esteem from a recent break up so I just said, what the h**l let’s see where this goes…
He met me at my car and we walked around for like 10s when he mentions he left the beer up in his apt. Once in his apt he immediately tries to shove his tongue down my throat. I made some excuse and luckily was able to leave.
Still think about that sometimes and shiver.
4. Size doesn’t matter
As a relatively recent “mature” widower, new and inexperienced to the dating scene after 31 years of marriage, I had a dinner date with a much younger woman who, as it turned out, was extremely aggressive… unheard of in my prime!
Ending our first date, I was dropping her off and had intended only to give her a thank you peck on the cheek, however our “goodbye” moment morphed into a high school-like make out session during which she started, shockingly, to grope me.
My two-seater car was dark and cramped and I was wearing a suit and winter overcoat but I nevertheless was extremely surprised to feel her hand navigating south of my belt. Suddenly she squeezed hard and, with sheer delight and fire in her dimly lit eyes, delightedly exclaimed that I had “an enormous penis”.
In fact, she was squeezing a single large roll of my lower belly fat!
For the first and last time in my life, I glanced at my pretend wrist watch & told her that I had to leave due to the late hour and an early morning meeting. I couldn’t imagine her reaction and disappointment had our date developed any further as I am, at best, average! I bailed and we never spoke again.
5. Going hard
I talked to a girl on tinder 8 years ago. She got drunk and told me to come over because her and friends were playing strip poker. I was on overnight duty so sadly I could not partake.
30 minutes later I receive a picture on my phone that i couldn’t even make out. I handed my phone to my roommate and asked if he could figure it out. He says “dude. That’s a butthole.” It surely was. She had taken a picture of her butthole from at measly 0.5 inches away and it was so close up i could barely tell what it was. I thought to myself if this is how she leads the rest has to be great! (Spoiler alert: was wrong.)
She tells me we should finally meet next weekend. At Applebee’s. I meet her there and she looks BEAT. Like she had just run 5 triathlons and been awake for a week straight. Not 3 minutes into meeting and sitting down she says she has to use the restroom.
She doesnt come back for 30min+. The waiter comes up and says he has seen her here multiple times and she has been known to shoot up heroin in the bathroom and pass out. Im very not into this at this point but for her own safety i ask if a waitress could peak in the bathroom and see if she is okay. She was not. She OD’d and died. So that was a thing.
6. The end of all jokes
Literally s**t myself on a date once….wasn’t technically a date, but the guy had a farm.
He took me to see the animals, feed, ect. I walked away for a few minutes and over trusted a fart. I just looked at him and asked if he could please take me back to my car…he wanted to know why and I said “because I pooped in my pants”
Guy had a super nice truck and made me sit on my feet all the way back to my vehicle.
We actually ended up dating for 2 ish years….and somehow me sh**ting myself on the first date was the end of all jokes.
7. The proposal
Not necessarily a date but a person I was dating invited me to his parent’s house for the afternoon. He wanted to introduce me to them and show me the house he grew up in. I thought it was super sweet and had no problems going. He was also in the middle of moving and needed to pick up a few things, so it really didn’t seem that unusual.
Yeah, we got there and it was awful. His entire family was there. They traveled from hours away too. This was not just meeting the parents, it was meeting the ENTIRE family. Even worse? At some point, this jacka** told his parents that he had proposed. We had been dating TWO months.
I spent the entire afternoon dumbfounded and just playing along. We were two hours from home and I had no cell service, no way to leave at all. We ended up spending the afternoon brainstorming wedding ideas and planning an Alaskan honeymoon that his parents planned to gift us. His brother even called to say congratulations!
We drove back to his apartment in silence. When we got there, I got in my car and left, didn’t even bother grabbing my stuff. Weirdest experience ever. I have no idea how he broke it to his parents that we weren’t getting married.
8. The King
Was told we were going to dinner and then shopping. I drove to the town, 1hr each way, cuz he didn’t have a license.
He directed me (didn’t know my way around at all) to… Burger King. Ok. I’ll work with it.
Standing in line, a worker accidentally leans on a packet of ranch. It breaks open and shoots at me, right on the front of my nicest shirt. Profound apologizing commences. I ended up paying for dinner too.
Then we went to… Walmart. Where his mom worked. So he could get a discount. Didn’t buy anything.
Drive home he starts apologizing out of nowhere..i thought it was because of the bad date.
Until the smell hits me.
He passed gas and i had to legit pull over and roll the windows down a while.
9. Belly button boy
I went over to a boys apartment I had hung out with a few times already to watch a movie.
In the middle of the movie he stuck his finger in my belly button. We weren’t even cuddling. Just randomly turns towards me and puts his finger in my belly button.
I said to him “get your finger out of my bully button?” To which he responded by making a weird noise similar to an adult using baby talk and saying coo coo to a baby and wiggled his finger still inside my belly button.
I left immediately, never talked to him again, and my friends still refer to the situation as belly button boy.
10. “Just ate his apple and farted”
We met at a trailhead to take a walk.
He started farting right away.
Then he opened his backpack and got an apple. He proceeded to eat the apple. Didn’t offer me an apple.
Just ate his apple and farted.
11. The recovery
Reposting my first reddit comment from 11 years ago: I wasn’t feeling great, but decided to meet anyway. We met at a Belgian beer bar. She was gorgeous, fun, and totally in to me. I felt a gas pain, so I leaned forward slightly to quietly relieve the pressure. I completely and explosively s**t myself. The odor was immediate.
I excused myself to the bathroom, but the damage was too great. I walked out of the bathroom, muddy-panted, out of the bar, and boarded the train for home
The date was nothing, compared to the horror of the following three weeks, recovering from E-coli.
12. The dress code
On one date I showed up at her parents house to pick her up, thinking we we’re going for drinks in the neighbourhood. She opens up the door wearing sweatpants, trainers and a hoody as if she just got back from football practice. I was pretty well dressed so she decided to change into something else.
She says I can just wait in the living room with her parents. Not that bad, we have some small talk and I expect to be leaving soon anyways.
She then shows up wearing the next less than casual outfit and sits down in the living room as well, saying nothing she just gets on her phone… she’s doing nothing but texting whilst I’m left talking with her parents (didn’t expect a date with them).
At this point I don’t know what to expect anymore, luckily I was able to convince her to go out after a bit and we end up having drinks… all in all she wasn’t my type, definitely after that date.
13. The last hurrah
My wife wanted to plan our 13th wedding anniversary. I was excited because usually I plan it. She bought us some new disc golf discs and after a quick supper we went to play. We hadn’t played in forever. We were laughing and I had a great time.
She served me with divorce papers and told me that date was a test to see if she still had feelings for me. I also learned that she was having an affair that started well before our anniversary.
Went out with a girl when we were probably 13 or 14. We went to see Inception.
She gets up to go to the bathroom, but doesn’t come back for a long time.
Eventually I go look for her, and the guy behind the concession stand looks at me and gives me the most pitying look I’ve ever received, and points around the corner. Where I found her making out with another guy. I should have walked out but instead I went back to my seat to watch the rest of the movie.
She returned and asked me to fill her in on the last hour of INCEPTION OF ALL THE DAMN MOVIES TO MISS THE MIDDLE OF. Also, because that wasn’t enough, after the movie, I wasn’t sure what bus to take home, and she pointed me to the wrong bus (I don’t think this was intentional, they were right next to each other) and I wound up in a part of the city I’d never been in before.
15. The remodel
Tinder date. She looked nothing like her picture while not ugly just completely different. Picked the worst restaurant in town which I looked past because everyone has different taste.
We came back to my house and complained about not showing affection or touching her so I started touching her and then got mad about ohhh wanting a hook up which I didn’t, but the final straw was when she decided she didn’t like my house which I had just bought and was Proud of.
She immediately wanted to go to home depot to buy stuff to start remodeling. It was by far my worst and weirdest date and I hope she found a house to remodel
Kinda makes you wanna give up on the whole enterprise, doesn’t it?
What’s your worst date experience?
Tell us in the comments.