The fastest I personally ever lost a job maybe doesn’t quite count.
I hadn’t been officially hired, and never was, since my first day on a “trial basis” ended with a mix-up in which a register miscount made it look like I’d stolen about $100 from the till.
I hadn’t. But still. Oops.
Reddit has some much wilder tales of employees who apparently couldn’t wait to get fired.
1. Hot, Sharp, and Heavy Things
New guy, hired as quality control inspector after a lot of vetting. Job site was aluminum extrusions factory – lots of hot, sharp, and heavy things that can crush your hands and slice you up, not to mention all the moving parts. Shows up first day on the job reeking of beer.
“I was just celebrating my new job with my friends before work!” Refused the booze blow test at a nearby hospital. Paperwork completed and fired after 90 minutes by the supervisor and HR.
– atomicsnarl
2. The Robot Floor
I used to train new hires at a warehouse. We have a floor for robots to zoom around on, full of merchandise and cold spite. Only certified technicians may set foot on that floor. The rest of us? Instant termination if we do it. We stress this frequently throughout orientation.
I’m training a group of new hires at a workstation. It’s their first night. Not even lunch yet. One of our managers comes over to introduce himself. One guy, who has already been copping an attitude, asks him about stepping on the floor. Manager reiterates what we all told everyone: Do it, and you’re fired.
Guy: “You mean don’t do this?” puts one foot on the floor
And away he goes. I heard the rest of the new trainees laughing over how stupid he was. He was even whining about it the whole time his termination was being processed.
I’m just glad I didn’t get stuck training that snotty, dimwitted little pain in the a** for two days.
– TigerInMyVENUS
3. Take Flight
We had a guy start in London on a Monday as large contingent left for a a conference in Seattle later that week. I met him at Heathrow with his badge and laptop on his first morning and boarded the flight with him.
Longish story, but he ended up slapping a member of the flight crew because she wouldn’t let him sit in business class. I called HR when we landed and fired him in baggage claim. We paid for him to fly back to the UK next day.
– Ok-Zookeepergame-698
4. Big Babies
When I worked at Babies ‘R Us many years ago, a fine young lad wrote on the break room white board, “F**k b**ches, hire dimes.” For some reason it escaped him that there are cameras pretty much everywhere.
Done after maybe three days on the job.
– westcoastpizzarat
5. The Tale of Austin
I worked in construction for eight years. Guys would quit all the time but the fastest was this kid named Austin.
Austin was rail thin and wouldn’t stop looking at his phone. Our boss told him to run a wheelbarrow full of dirt to a pile and he sighed before trudging over to it. The kid moved that wheelbarrow maybe fifteen feet, set it down and started looking at his phone again.
Boss asked him what he was doing and he said it was “too hard” and he was calling his girlfriend to pick him up. Austin lasted a grand total of five minutes.
– apocalypticradish
6. 15 Minutes of Shame
15 minutes.
Working at the wharfs where we had to unload shipping containers with forklifts; new bloke starts work who claims to be a wiz at operating forklifts.
First container and he drives in too fast while another worker is opening the container door. I’m not the foreman but I have a go at him about him and tell him to pull his head in.
He walks off the job muttering under his breath ‘Nobody talks to me like that’.
– Captain_Coco_Koala
7. The Short Con
I worked at a bill collection firm in the early 90’s (don’t judge me). A guy started working there, went through the 2 days of training, then started working.
After about an hour, he got up and left. Didn’t say “I quit.” Didn’t say “this job isn’t for me.” Didn’t say “f**k you.” He just got up to go to the bathroom, went through the front door and drove away.
It took the managers a few hours to figure out that this guy got the job with a fake name, and erased his own debt on the computer.
– M_Looka
8. The Cam
Happened last week:
New IT hire. 34 year old. First full time job. Good qualifications. Seemed OK.
First night, staff calls me. He is spamming ladies with messages on their private phones. On lady’s husband calls me. Her camera is on non stop.
He also installed software to switch on their cams remotely. On day one.
He wasn’t allowed back on the premises.
– maxil_za
9. That’s Racist
3 1/2 hours.
She started the same day as me
Part way through the morning I told a couple of jokes to break the ice. She said she had a couple of good ones and started off with “What do you call a n****r who….” She went for lunch and never returned.
– UnfinishedThings
10. The Alcoholic
I was a recruiter for an investment bank about 15 years ago. I recruited a Business systems analyst for a long-term contract position. On her first day she showed up to work a half an hour late. Her new boss showed her around a bit, got her to her cube, gave her some first day stuff to review and left her to it.
About an hour later I got the call. she had passed out in her chair and p**sed herself. They had a hard time arousing her but when they did it was clear she was wasted and got belligerent when they asked her to leave. Security got involved. It’s unclear whether she was drunk from the night before or chugged booze in the office. Either way, she was fired by about 10:30am on Monday morning!
– ThinMint31
11. How the Sausage Gets Made
Worked at a sausage plant and other meats. Guy got fired on the first day before even working.
We had to pass thru a machine that cleaned our shoes as we washed our hands. It had timed sensors.
He couldn’t get thru so he went back into the lunch room for an hour till the boss sent him home.
– jthegamer
12. Don’t Look Now
Not fired but quit.
New admin joins the team, gets escorted around to meet everyone. Next day she’s gone. I asked someone and they said “She was told there was a background check and just left”
You accept a job at a gov facility and don’t think they are going to look into your past?
i still wonder what she had that she figured it wasn’t worth waiting to get fired for.
– BlueFalconPunch
13. The Welfare Scammer
Guy at a fish factory lasted half a shift before he was fired for refusing to adhere to any health and safety rules.
Later got told it wasn’t uncommon for people like that, they had to be seen to be applying for jobs to keep their benefits, would lose them if they quit, but could get them back immediately if fired.
– Jonny2284
14. Animal Instincts
Boss hired a vegan to work in the cafe were we do coffee and mainly breakfast food. So lots of eggs, cheese and meats and you know, milk. She refused to touch anything with animal products and lasted about 15 minutes.
Not sure how she survived the interview process and didn’t pick up on the use of milk in coffee drinks or what breakfast food had in it.
– spytez
15. Surveying the Landscape
My boss hired this guy to work with the landscape team. His first day on the job was spent sleeping in the dump truck and hiding from the crew.
The next day he was sent to our main office to pull weeds and other general easy stuff. He spent the day eating Doritos and talking on his phone. He was gone the following day.
– starkpaella
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
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