One of the most unusual freelance writing assignments I’ve ever received was a series of shows for an annual Zoo Fundraiser event. They were infotainment sketch shows about the strange ways that certain animals mate.
I’m not a biologist, so I had to look up and double check all my information before I could write a scene around it.
Annually, my Google history was full of bizarre queries regarding animal s**. I’d probably have died of embarrassment had anyone saw.
1. But why?
I used to repeatedly search “sharks with braces” to the point where it automatically recommended it when I started typing “s” in the search bar.
“Were beaver fish in the middle ages?”
Sounds profoundly stupid, but there’s a reason. The monks started classifying all kinds of animals as “fish” so they could bend lent rules and eat meat.
3. Doesn’t add up.
4. Classic spell check.
How to spell simple words like “penguin” so that I don’t look like an idiot to my 6yo who I’m home schooling in lockdown.
5. Dark places.
When I worked a mental health-related job, I was always googling things like “sexual abuse of children,” “suicidal ideation,” “self harm” as well as many commonly used psychotropic meds and common street drugs.
All work-related searches.
6. Web M.D.
“Inserts symptoms exacerbated by anxiety and boredom…
am I going blind? Am I losing my mind? Am I going to die soon and or irreversibly destroy my health?”
Nope, just getting old.
7. Hot takes.
The amount of times I’ve had to look up the boiling time for hardboiled eggs is pretty embarrassing.
Lol this was about 3 years ago ‘ive drank 12 cups of coffee in 3 hours, will I die’
9. That’s amore.
Why does the moon have teeth?
I forgot to clarify in the search “the moon from Soul Eater” and if anyone reads that they’ll think I’m insane
10. That bites.
I saw a feature on the news about women with an underbite. It mentioned how some men actually find it particularly attractive.
Curiously, I googled ‘attractive women with an underbite’.
The one, one time, my girlfriend wants to use my phone that Google and those search results spring straight up in chrome.
Now she thinks I have a fetish. 🤷♂️
11. Dun dun!
True crime junkie here, and I shudder to think what people would think if they saw my browser history composed of blood splatter information, how deep a certain knife can cut, etc etc
“Can babies see through their soft spot”
I’m pretty sure the answer to this is no, but I wanted to see if maybe there was an obscure study showing that in fact they had intracranial photoreceptors which could in theory be activated by light traveling through the fontanel, and in retrospect this is such a stupid idea that I feel bad wasting my employer’s time looking up the answer on Google.
13. The olden days.
I’ve talked about this before, but I used to work for kgbkgb, which was this text messaging service where you could text a number, ask any question, and get an answer. This was before smartphones became super huge, so it was a bit of a helpful gimmick back then.
However, for everyone that we got asking normal questions like movie times, or what restaurants were open near them, or stuff like that, we got A LOT more people asking very stupid things that I would have to Google. I have this album of a bunch of weird questions that people sent to us.
It was an interesting job that helped cover some things when I was in college, but it had me using Google for a lot of weird and embarrassing things.
14. Memory is hard.
I’m a protein biochemist, but I still need to look up the 20 amino acid structures half the time.
I memorised them all for an undergrad exam, but have since forgotten them, as in the real world I can always look them up.
Also, the correct spelling of derailleur (part of a bike that changes the gears).
16. Makes sense.
How many times I’ve had to google “child enemas”.
My son has a colon condition, but man it would be awkward explaining it all.
17. Knowledge is power!
What does (insert word) mean
18. Do the creep.
People I know. I don’t do it often but it always feels like snooping.
I was wondering who played the Russian guy in the movie Snatch so googled “Russian Snatch”.
20. Wed. Nes. Day.
always typing in Wednesday.
Just to make sure I spell it right.
21. With friends like these…
My friend and I are both a wealth of random, useless facts a few weeks ago he told me that if you rub pork fat on a cat’s lips the cat would whistle, and there was lots of videos of it on YouTube, like an idiot I fell for it and googled “cat whistling with pork fat on lips”
“how many kgs of blueberry cheese danish can I eat without getting diabetes”
I had to go look at my search history to for this question and I have no recollection of ever searching this up but it was there.
23. I crave the lasagna.
“What is the name of the cat in Garfield”
24. Dream on.
Houses on Zillow.
Particularly in odd areas where there happens to be homes for sale.
I just look at them, with absolutely zero intention of buying it.
25. Hedge money?
How to pronounce hegemony.
Turns out I’ve been saying it wrong my whole life! Good thing it doesn’t come up much.
26. Unfortunate letters.
There’s a company that makes fire proofing material called STI.
I googled that and immediately regretted it.
27. False dichotomy.
I was helping clean out my grandparent’s estate last week, and I decided it was worth googling “vintage vibrator or curling iron?” before I went any further into their bathroom closet.
Spoiler Alert: It was a curling iron.
28. Sitting for dummies.
“How to sit on a couch correctly”
I have back pain and I feel like my couch sitting skills need to improve, but I still feel like a dummy for googling it.
29. Game on!
My husband and I play this strange game where we ask each other random questions.
We guess at the answers and then look it up to see if either of us are close.
We’ve recently discovered that birds don’t fart but it’s very likely that spiders do!!
Lol our search histories would be quite comical at times.
30. Well that seems unnecessary.
How to spell necessscacaveesseary
Stay curious out there.
What have you googled that you’re embarrassed about?
Tell us in the comments.