You know that moment when you’ve been enjoying a nature documentary and then it gets to the really uncomfortable mating part and you feel like maybe you’re gonna vomit?
If you hate that, do NOT read on.
We’re about to get the lessons in nature we never wanted, thanks to Reddit.
Scorpion males are smaller than females and are often hunted by them. In order to reproduce the male must lock pincers with the female and then drop a packet of sperm on the ground.
He must then maneuver the much larger female over the packet so that she gets the sperm inside of her.
This whole time the female is trying to eat the male who, after his tango with death must run away or become lunch.
2. Tasmanian devils
The male holds the female hostage in her own den until she becomes pregnant, which could be days.
She does violently chase him from her den after she’s pregnant.
But I can’t imagine those days trapped with him are pleasant.
Hippos s**t and twirl their tails propeller-style to impress their mates, and if Gloria is interested, she will take a dump on Moto-motos head, which is something I am glad Humans don’t do.
Besides that horrifying screams that they produce, there is no actual ‘mating ritual’ or even ‘mating season’ – koala males straight up r**e female koalas whenever they please.
As cute as ferrets are, they have a horrible mating ritual.
Basically, the male ferret (called a hob), has to maul the ever living s**t out of the female ferret (called a jill) to get her to ovulate.
If humans did this, is would make it a lot easier to avoid accidental pregnancy, but would also make it very obvious when a woman was trying to have a child.
“Not sure if spousal abuse, or just trying to get pregnant” would be a common sentiment.
Male Frog: Let me inflate my body to three times its natural volume and then blast it out in the noisiest way possible, girls love this s**t
Female Frog: Your self inflation fetish has seduced me, grab onto my belly and fertilize the water with your male products as I squeeze out a huge mass of absolutely disgusting jelly blobs
(well, mares anyway) spontaneously urinate when they’re in season and they’re near a stallion.
It’s completely instinctive and I get the impression it’d be quite embarrassing in humans.
I watch a lot of hummingbirds around my backyard. I love them so much.
But let me tell you, being a boy hummingbird trying to snag a mate has got to be the most terrifying thing….they fly up quite far, dive bomb almost into the gravel..multiple times. And when one looks like a pretty clear catch, another male bird will come out of nowhere and attack him.
Then come and have the audacity to sit on my feeder and make eye contact with me, with an enemies feather stuck to his face.
God, they’re precious
I don’t want to just rip off my arm which is also my penis and give it to some girl to use then throw away or really and cephalopod because that would involve me sticking my arm penis into her face vagina
I saw a nature film where a female jackal will bring her chosen mate back to her family for a meet up.
Her father and brothers will surround him and scratch up dirt while urinating, soaking him in a mix of p**s and mud.
They’re cute r**e machines.
There’s an arm race going on, where males evolve a penis that’s meant to be as efficient as possible for r**ing females, while females evolve twisted vaginas meant to make r**e as hard as possible.
Read about it, it’s fascinating/horrifying.
12. Surinam Toads
The Suriname Toad keeps its eggs in its back the eggs infuse with the skin.
When the eggs hatch the tadpoles will live inside the skin of their mother until they have matured into young frogs and squeeze out.
There is a kind of worm where the females never want to mate with the males.
So instead actual intercourse the male shoots the sperm after the female, so the worm with the best range gets to pass on their genes
So much erect penis pee spraying and screaming, and then of course the risk of the act itself.
The only good part is they do it once a year instead of frequently, but still.
15. Garden birds
Many garden birds have a ritual in which the male pecks the female’s cloaca empty of the sperm of previous mates before having his own go.
Imagine if men would suck out previous partners’ sperm before having sex with a woman. I have imagined and I am very sorry I did…
If you’ll excuse me, I need to go wash my brain out with soap.
Any other weird animal facts you know?
Share them with us in the comments.