One time not too long ago, I woke up in the morning and somehow stretched so wrong that I hurt my leg and couldn’t walk right for about three days.
That’s when I knew that I was getting older. And also remembered that our bodies are stupid fragile, and we can always manage to find new ways to hurt ourselves.
The poor souls of Reddit have their tales of woe. Look away if you’re queasy, it’s about to get unintentionally violent in here.
1. Well, this takes the cake.
As a kid who just learnt how to ride a cycle, I saw my aunty visiting us with a cake in her hand.
I was so excited I rode hard and fast towards her and forgot to brake.
I rode my bike into a wall and broke my hand.
On s positive note I got biggest piece of cake.
2. Follow the white rabbit…
I’ve hurt myself in many weird ways, so this was tough to figure out.
A while ago I was riding my bike and saw a rabbit.
I wasn’t watching where I was going and rode off a retaining wall.
I got a concussion from that.
– [deleted user]
3. I declare a thumb war!
I once broke my thumb trying to give someone a hug.
Awkwardly caught it on their body and the ligament of my stretched thumb popped off and took some bone with it!
4. He was just horsin’ around.
My horse kneed me on my temple by accident, while I was kneeling down, bandaging his leg.
He knocked me out cold for a few seconds and I ended up with a very swollen black eye, for about 10 days.
He was actually just getting a better footing – not being difficult at all – and it was just a tap, but I looked like I had been KO’ed by Lennox Lewis in Round 1.
5. Merry Christmas to me?
I woke up, looked at the clock, had time before the alarm would go off, and went back to sleep.
Woke up again, looked at the clock, felt a pop and heard a sound in my neck.
I had to call my dad to come to the college, help me down 3 flights of stairs, and take me to the ER. Ruined my whole 2 week Christmas break.
6. Points for effort.
In high school as I was leaving I saw a high jump (pad and bar) on the field so I decided to give it a try.
When I landed on my back, my knee came down and I gave myself a black eye.
7. You’ll shoot your eye out, kid.
My sister said, “Hey! I wanna shoot your BB gun!”, so I give it 10 pumps, hand it to her, walk over to the tire and as I’m setting the pop can on the tire, she shoots me in the a**.
Took a Doctor 10 minutes to dig it out.
8. I’m on the fence with these two.
Well, one time when I was a kid, I was running around the yard, pushing the wheelbarrow.
I hit a big root, went flying forward into the wheelbarrow, and ended up crashing into a tree like 40 feet down hill.
Stupidest time i merely hurt myself? I peed on an electric cattle fence, cuz i thought it would be funny. It was, just not for me.
9. I can do that in my sleep.
i woke up with a sprained ankle.
i still have no clue what i did before i fell asleep or in my sleep, but suddenly i woke up, my ankle was swollen and i couldn’t walk.
10. It’s just like riding a bike – you never forget.
Around 6 months ago, I was waiting for my sister on my college campus. Around the same time, I had accidentally gotten grease on my disc brakes so they weren’t stopping correctly.
I had the great idea to stand the bicycle on the handle bars and spin the wheel from the pedals as fast as they could go on the highest gear and then pinch the disc brakes with my thumb and index finger.
This worked for a while and I got a lot of grease off until my thumb got caught in the disc break, causing it to be partially amputated and fracture the bone.
I needed 6 stitches, pain killers, and around 4 1/2 months for the skin to completely heal.
0/10 wouldn’t recommend trying
11. That’s quite an analogy.
Guy with a farm down the road: “Hey can you come help bale hay tomorrow?”
Me at 16 with no prior bale experience: “sure I’ll be there”
Showed up in basketball shorts. Left looking like I spent 3 minutes in a broom closet with 5 cats and a vacuum cleaner I couldn’t shut off.
12. No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die.
Not major, but one time I somehow sliced my thumb to the point of bleeding with my other thumbnail.
It wasn’t even sharp.
No f**king idea how I did it, and I just sat there for a good five seconds staring in disbelief at my bleeding finger before getting a bandaid.
Also burst a blood vessel in my eye by sneezing too hard. I looked like a Bond villain for a bit.
13. That’ll teach you to exercise.
Not so much stupid as in my fault, but the universe was definitely laughing at me.
I decided I was finally going to get serious about running. I wanted to run for exercise for a while, but I was out of shape and embarrassed. I finally mustered up the courage to go to the gym.
I walk outside to let my dog go to the bathroom before I left, and a wasp stung me on the lower side of my foot, right in the arch (I was wearing sandals). Even had on my workout clothes and everything. My foot was the size of a softball for a week.
14. Pop pop?
I was deaf in one ear for about a week because I had built a super pop-pop cracker.
I had taken two boxes of those pop pops, or those paper snappers, and very carefully unwrapped each one.
I emptied out the contents into a tissue paper and twisted the end to form a huge pop pop.
I then accidentally dropped this inside the house, right on the tiled floors at my feet, where it exploded and echoed so loudly.
My left ear kept ringing and then I was deaf for days. My sister, who was three floors above me, even heard it.
15. The list.
I have an unfortunate talent of accidentally cutting myself on strange objects. All of these were very minor and needed a bandaid at most.
I have cut myself on:
A jar of honey
A piece of frozen ham
A locker (twice)
A pool table
Man. Sounds like a lot of things really made the cut, huh?
What’s the dumbest way you’ve ever hurt yourself?
Tell us in the comments.